The Depressing Fact About Oily Pants.

I was told recently that I rely too heavily on my fast metabolism. This is true, and, although I deny it, I have known it to be true since the age of 15. After two months of my only exercise being the frequent trips to my fridge, my jeans no longer fit over my hips.

Of course, instead of being proactive about my weight gain I experienced 5 stages of “Love-handle Grief”

1. Denial: My jeans shrank in the wash. I am just as slim as I was 2 months ago, my excess fat is just due to swelling.

2. Anger: WHY WON’T YOU FIT?!

3. Bargaining: Maybe if I suck my stomach in really tight and coat my legs in oil my pants will slide on.

4. Depression: Now my pants are all oily and I have nothing to wear. I hate my life.

5. Acceptance: It’s time to stop eating so much and go running.

Of course, this could have all been avoided if I’d listened to and obeyed my mother whenever she said “have a piece of fruit first” or “eat all your vegetables”. Unfortunately, the consequences of certain actions do not occur to young children, and when it comes to junk food, I avoid all responsibility for the way I eat.

If I had it my way, I would be able to survive as a skinny madame on a diet of spring rolls, pizza and Speckled Eggs. However, I can not and if kids built the food pyramid, Lord knows how many “Weeble-shaped” children we’d have rolling around. It would be a health and safety hazard.

My disregard for healthy food began at a young age. I used to pretend I had separate shelves in my stomach for different foods, and once that shelf was full I could no longer eat that food.
“Mommy, I can not eat my broccolli, my vegetable shelf is full. My dessert shelf is all empty and has cobwebs though.”

What a genius idea! Blame it on the shelves and hope for the best. Since then it’s been a negative spiral of “McDonald Mondays” and “French Fry Fridays”.

Accompany them with “No Exercise Everydays” and you have yourself a vicious cycle of “Love-Handle Grief”

I am currently at the stage of Acceptance. I need to run. I need to run a lot and faster than my slowing metabolism.

The saddest part is this could be avoided if we just let adults design our Food Pyramids.



Filed under Average Advice

2 responses to “The Depressing Fact About Oily Pants.

  1. as your mother, I just have to add that the shelf argument never worked 🙂

  2. Jo

    Hahaha hilarious!! Really enjoyed reading that, Har 😀 D

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