Ah man! I hate elf farts!

Well Christmas has come and gone once again, leaving behind that same old feeling of indigestion and regret over that final mince pie that should have been left well alone.

In previous years, Christmas has been an old routine. In my eyes it’s really just spending 6 hours pretending to be nice to people you’ve spent the whole year strongly disliking. There’s always unnecessary competition and my grandparents always arrive in separate cars and leave at separate times, occasionally the dumber side of the family joins in our festive dance and remark that my sister and I “are actually looking quite pretty this year” (thanks I guess), and there is always, without fail, a meltdown from the cousin who believes in presents over love.

And throughout it all I have to smile, laugh and hold the sarcasm when responding to my aunt’s constant questions about “when are you going to get yourself a boyfriend?” and “why don’t you try studying for a career that actually pays well?”

I strongly dislike the majority of Christmas.

When I’m old enough to make my own decisions properly and I suddenly get the ability to choose which family members I want to see and which ones I don’t, Christmas is going to be marvelously different.

I would like a Christmas where dirty jokes are flung across the table and pants aren’t mandatory, each year has a theme like superheroes or cartoon characters that everyone has to dress up as and presents are measured in the quality of the love and thought that went into them, not the quantity of the packages. I want to spend my Christmas setting up pranks or sharing in secret little games and clearing the living room to create a “Dance-off” arena. Christmas lunch will consist of Oreo milkshakes and a Nandos Full pack meal with 2 extra orders of wedges.

I’ve already started to spread my liberal ways by creating the “Christmas Phrase Game”.

Between my 2 siblings, my mom and I, I came up with 6 different phrases and the goal that we had to say at least one of them throughout Christmas lunch and present time without any other family members picking up that what we are saying is completely off the wall.

The phrases to choose from were:

  • Santa’s buttcrack
  • Ah man! I hate elf farts
  • The many different flavours of toe jam
  • There really is no excuse for anal gland failure
  • Run naked through a flower field
  • Hairball

The first 3 phrases were executed without a hitch throughout the day by my incredibly clever family members. I, being the one who initiated the game, promptly forgot about it.

Which, looking at my memory’s track record, is to be expected.

Maybe one Christmas I’ll achieve my dream. Maybe I’ll get my sailor-themed Christmas and my dance-off phenomenon.

But for now I guess I’ll have to grin while answering prying questions and sit on my hands to stop myself from beating various family members.

That’s all.


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