All You Need is Love…and a Tazer.

Well Valentine’s Day is around the corner and once again the majority of us find ourselves in a bit of a relationship slump.

So much so that in the past week I’ve had to ward off a handsy nightclub troll and a cyber-gremlin who keeps bombarding me with outlandishly-anatomical messages that leave me with the desire to poke my eyes out.

Isn’t that romantic? Thank God I won’t be alone on Friday, I have Mr Grabby and Slutty Message McGee to keep me company.

But I can’t blame these guys for their conduct. Love, or lack of it, makes you a little crazy and, in the case of Mr Grabby, so does alcohol.

I’ve never understood Valentines Day. I think that’s because Valentines Day is an exclusive club and I was never allowed to start clubs when I was younger, my mom used to say “only start a club if everyone is allowed to join” and that really defeated the purpose.

Now I understand why my Mom said that. Being excluded sucks and being forced to pretend like you don’t care about being excluded from Sergeant Pepper’s Happy Hearts Club Band (a more optimistic division of the Lonely Hearts Club Band) can bring some people to the point of trying to grind up against an innocent on a sweaty dance floor or sending really blunt, inappropriate messages.

So hug a loner this Friday. Because, as I’ve just seen on Twitter:

“In 4 days, some of you bitches are going to find out if you’re a sideline or not.”

Ouch. You’ll be okay, just don’t try to spread the love in any of the aforementioned ways.


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