Marriage is pretty much the last thing on my mind right now.
Of course it is, I am 19 years young with my whole life ahead of me and no time to concern myself with life sentences like “marriage”.
But if I were to get married, if I were to make the decision to change my lifestyle and bound myself to another person for eternity, I would choose someone who wouldn’t screw up my kids.
Children can’t choose who their parents are, we can’t decide whether we’re blessed with supportive or unsupportive parents, unconditional or conditional love, a happy home or a broken one. We are born into this world with role models that destiny chose for us and sometimes destiny throws us a dud role model.
I truly believe that parenting should be a privilege, and the licence to parent should be treated like a driver’s licence, and people should think more carefully about who they’re procreating with.
You can get a divorce, you can break up and change your number and decide simply that your significant other is not right for you, but your children can’t change their DNA, they can’t throw out their parents, they can’t forget who brought them up or who didn’t.
Children can’t erase the memory of the emotional roller coaster a bad parent provides.
There’s a concept in Humanistic psychology called “incongruency”. It occurs when an individual’s self-concept does not match their external experiences. If a child feels the love they receive from their parents is conditional and their outside experiences don’t match how they feel internally they are bound to develop an infernal need to seek affection from a group of other individuals. Trust issues are formed, romantic relationships can be based on the belief that the significant other will leave them, and the eternal vicious cycle of incongruence will start again.
We often think “he’ll make a great Dad”, “I want her to mother my children”. But in this modern world we need to consider the possibility of “she’ll support our kids no matter what the circumstances” or ” in the case of divorce, I know he’ll come through financially”. That’s what is important: is our person selfless? Or will they drag our children down with them?
Children don’t get the option of loving conditionally. It is ingrained in our very souls to impress you, seek acceptance from you, recieve love and support from you no matter what. We want adoration at any cost, yet we deserve adoration at no cost at all.
Incongruence is a problem, dead beat parenting is a problem, not thinking thoroughly about the people we are marrying is the problem.
The future isn’t for us: the people in love with the wrong people- it’s for the children, the products of broken promises and financial weaponry. Children are the pawns in a parent’s game, children are the shields in a father’s quest for dominance.
Children are the victims.