The Stages Of Getting Over A Relationship You Don’t Really Need To Get Over.

It appears to be break up season; the period of a few weeks or more when ones timeline is filled with sad song lyrics, new haircuts, changed profile pictures, best friends posting empowering quotes on each other’s walls and Facebook Stalkers everywhere unite under one goal: find out what happened to the previously happy couple.

This year the breakup bug bit me and I was left with a plethora of photos to delete, a gallery of sent inspirational quotes to sift through and an appearance-altering decision to make, because what is a break up without a drastic change in hairstyle?

I seem to be the Unicorn amongst my group of friends who have all recently experienced heartbreak and are experiencing some pretty bitter anguish, I am, surprisingly, quite okay. I have cried less than expected, I haven’t required any life changing quotes and my great physical transformation was getting my nails done.

It appears my failed relationship was not worth mourning over, simply because I function better when I’m not being controlled.

My concept of breakup season however, has forever been altered. The stalker has become the stalked and for once I am the one trying to pick up the pieces instead of simply watching from a distance.

These are the pieces:

Who am I without this person?

After a considerable amount of time being 1 out of 2, suddenly you’re faced with the task of going back to just being 1 and finding the other half of you that was dropped along the way. It’s normally the half that dreams of trips to India and eating entire tubs of ice cream; it got buried in flowers, couples diet routines and plans for a secure future. It’s the part of you that gets to listen to music you like again without compromising, the part that never got to watch that movie because the other part of the 1/2 had seen it already, it’s the primitive, independent, really cool you that got stuck in limbo waiting for you to man the fuck up and find it already.

What am I going to do with all this free time?


Goodbye date night Thursday, hello date night everyday! On your own, in your pyjamas, eating caramel popcorn and watching Netflix. The best part is getting to sing “Hungry Eyes” and pretending to be Jennifer Grey without receiving any judgement.

Figuring out what to say, do and eat without reminding yourself of them.

I accidentally called my sister about 4 pet names before I got that shit out of my system, it’s bizarre to have to stop showing affection, to avoid going to familiar restaurants, to skip songs on your Top Rated playlist. Sometimes it gets to the point where everything needs to be washed so they can’t smell like them.

I need to go out and prove I’m still fun


Chances are you were a completely different person before the relationship. I was a tequila-downing, drink-hustling little beastie with no sense appropriate dress or discerning of romantic conquests. Within a week of the post-breakup depression I was back, a little more covered up and a lot more insecure than I used to be. This is when the quote-sending best friends come in handy, otherwise your going to be stuck, insecure, awkward and walking home alone trying to remind yourself of how much fun you used to be.

I need to remind myself to stop getting mad at them.

You also need to be reminded not to be mad at yourself, no matter what dirty secrets about them came out of the woodwork. Even if when typing in your Google search bar on the computer you lent them for a few weeks an entire catalog of “Thai porn” related searches appear, you need to remind yourself not to pick up the phone and yell. He’s not your problem anymore, take a breath, clear your history and vow to never date someone as inconsiderate as them again.

I’m just never going to date ANYONE again.

It feels like if Johnny Castle were to step out of the TV and start serenading you with ‘Time of My Life’ you’d still kick him out of the house for showing any interest, that’s how done with relationships you are.

Amen sister. Even Patrick Swayze was probably crap at being someone’s someone.

I don’t care if it takes you weeks or years to get over this minor blip in your trust of making good decisions on the people you date. Being by yourself for a while means you won’t have to pick up any pieces, you’re already whole.


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Filed under Average Advice, Romance or something like it

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